


Red Skull's Glorious Return

by Prose_By_Rose



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Civil War Fix-It, Humor, M/M, Marriage, Not Your Average Civil War Fix-It, POV Outsider, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-06
Updated: 2016-11-06
Packaged: 2018-08-29 10:41:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8486227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Prose_By_Rose/pseuds/Prose_By_Rose
Summary: “You’re telling me Captain America won?” Red Skull says furiously, “I gave you clear instructions on how to train the new fist of HYDRA! The best in brainwashing technology! A loyal servant enhanced by the serum and he lost?”
“Well, I wouldn’t say he lost, more… um…” the scientist says, “Things took a bit of an unexpected turn, it couldn’t have been predicted! And Captain America and the Winter Soldier… they… well…”
“They eloped,” the female HYDRA soldier says bluntly. 
“They what?” Red Skull says.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Ever wanted to read a fic where Red Skull returns with a plan to conquer Earth only to discover HYDRA is basically wiped from existence, that Captain America and the Winter Soldier got married in Wakanda after Bucky woke up from cryo and accidentally spies on Steve and Bucky during lovey dovey moments? No? Too bad, that’s what you’re getting…
> 
> (Also, please note, Red Skull uses a hidden camera to try to gather information on Steve and Bucky without their consent. Please see the notes at the end of the fic for more info if you need to.)

Johann Schmidt has never been described as a patient man.

  
But he could be when the time called for it. Oh yes, he could be. And now his patience was to be rewarded. After 75 long years, now he, Red Skull, would take his place as the rightful ruler of Earth...

  
“Approaching Earth,” the ship computer intoned.

  
“Perfect!” Johann said, adjusting the space vessel’s navigation console and grinning in manic delight at the thought of crushing Earth’s meager governments beneath the mighty power of HYDRA, “Notify the nearest HYDRA station that I, Red Skull, have returned!”

  
Red Skull could hear what sounded like a phone ringing over the intercom. So Earth still used phones, _how primitive_.

  
“Hello?” a voice says.

  
“Ah, yes, is this HYDRA?” Red Skull says.

  
“Yes! Are you interested in the new recruit program?” the voice says excited, “The deadline is soon, November 1st! If you join today you’ll get upgraded gear and a MH3 plasma rifle.”

  
“I am not interested in being a recruit,” Red Skull says stiffly.

  
“I’ll throw in a deluxe gas mask and a bunk in the officer's level!” the voice says.

  
“What? No,” Red Skull says firmly.

  
“Come on, man, I’ve got a quota,” the voice groans.

  
“Nevermind your quota,” Red Skull says testily, “It is I, Red Skull!”

  
“Is this… a prank call?” the voice asks hesitantly.

  
“No! Get me Zola, I need to speak to him!” Red Skull says.

  
“Ah… Zola’s dead? Twice actually. Once with cancer. And once with a literal computer crash. As in a bomb crashed the computer to pieces. Speaking of dead, aren’t you supposed to be…” the voice says.

  
“Get me Baron Strucker then!” Red Skull says impatiently.

  
“Dead. Psycho robot,” the voice says.

  
“Werner Reinhardt?”

  
“Dead.”

  
“Anyone _who isn’t dead_?” Red Skull says.

  
“Uh… Rollins! I can transfer you to Rollins!” the voice says, “Uh… please hold.”

  
“ _Fire and ice. This love is like fire and ice_ ,” the phone sings, “ _This love is like rain and blue skies. This love is like sun on the rise_.”

  
“Computer explain, why is the phone singing?” Red Skull says in confusion.

  
“It has become Earth custom to play either music or advertisements while a call is on hold,” the computer explains.

  
This makes no sense to Red Skull until 20 minutes later _and he’s still on hold_. Perhaps they play the music to try to distract you from making death threats over the line in the hopes someone will just answer the phone?

  
“Still falling for you, still falling for you,” Red Skull sings to himself in time to the music.

  
“Hello?” a voice says.

  
“Is this Rollins?” the Red Skull demands, “Are you the new Head of HYDRA? I have come to relieve you of your burden! It is I, Red Skull. Prepare to celebrate my awaited return! I shall land at your location in the next two minutes.”

  
“What? Red Skull…? Wait, is that your spaceship?” the voice, supposedly Rollins, says.

  
No doubt the spaceship is now in view.

  
“It is not mine, but a loan from Thanos,” Red Skull says proudly, “I have made a bargain to enter Earth into the glorious kingdom of Thanos with I as the sovereign ruler of Earth.”

  
“I don’t… who’s Thanos?” Rollins says confused. No matter, Red Skull decides an explanation can wait till his ship has finished landing. Rollins and the rest of HYDRA will soon understand.

  
The return celebration is not what Red Skull had expected. He had, in the privacy of his own mind, expected a cheering throng to flood the streets, women weeping at his feet and a 20 piece orchestra. In turns out instead to be about twenty people gaping on a lawn outside an old rusty warehouse.

  
“I am here for the final victory for HYDRA,” Red Skull says gravely to the man named Rollins after he finishes waving to the small crowd. Rollins is dressed in black tactical gear and giving Red Skull the hairy eyeball.

  
“How exactly is it you’re not dead?” Rollins asks.

  
“Did you think Zola did not know the Tesseract's true nature?” Red Skull says, “It is not simply a source of unparalleled energy, it is a portal that can be used to travel between worlds!”

  
“We know,” Rollins says, “There was this megalomaniac named Loki…”

  
“How do you think Loki knew where to _find_ the Tesseract?” Red Skull interrupts, “Thanos told Loki, and I told Thanos.” Rollins pauses, clearly not expecting this information.

  
“I was most fortunate, after I touched the Tesseract on the plane, it placed me on a planet owned by the powerful being Thanos,” Red Skull continues, “At first I exchanged the location of the Tesseract for a minor position of power. But after Loki’s failed attempt to bring Earth to heel, I told Thanos of the secret work Zola had been working on for HYDRA. Thanos was most interested, and gave me this space vessel in exchange for HYDRA’s cooperation to fold Earth into the Dark Lord’s domain. After 75 years, no doubt Zola has created a vast and unstoppable army by now. He had this plan he called The Winter Soldier Project… I am most fascinated to learn if he succeeded in creating one. But first things first. Now, where is my army?”

  
Rollins waves an arm to encompass the twenty people still staring in stunned silence at the ship.

  
“Your army,” Rollins says sarcastically, then adds in a mutter, “I cannot believe I escaped prison for this.”

  
“As a servant of HYDRA, you would do better to be more supportive of your superiors,” Red Skull says haughtily. He looks around with a frown, “This is it?”

  
“Afraid so, all that’s left,” Rollins says bitterly.

  
Hmmm, this might be more difficult than Johann had first thought.

  
_______________

 

  
“What do you mean the Sokovia fortress is gone?” Red Skull shouts.

  
“The Avengers, sir,” the unfortunate HYDRA scientist assigned to brief Red Skull says.

  
“Whoever these Avengers are, I shall make them pay,” Red Skull says through gritted teeth, “What of the mysterious and powerful artifacts Reinhardt collected?”

  
“Gone,” the scientist squeaks.

  
“What of the Winter Soldier Project?” Red Skull says, voice rising, “Zola assured me…”

  
“Yes, yes! Ah… the Winter Soldier,” the scientist says and a nearby translucent computer screen flickers to life and plays a video of a man in a black mask with a cybernetic arm. He’s brutal. He fights with furious rage and beautiful precision, and has the type of strength that can only come from the serum. He looks terrifying, the perfect mascot of HYDRA.

  
“Perfect! Where is he? He shall lead my army,” Red Skull says. With such a loyal and unstoppable soldier, who needs an army of thousands to conquer the world?

  
“Not really, um, possible…” the scientist says.

  
“What? Is his training not complete?” Red Skull asks in disbelief. Did Zola not do even one thing right?

  
“The project was completed!” the HYDRA scientist hurries to assure him, “It’s just… well… Captain America… he wasn’t actually dead. The serum increases molecular healing so there was no degradation or aging in the ice he was frozen in after the plane crash, absolutely fascinating if you think about it… which wasn’t what you asked about! Right! So, uh, well…”

  
Another computer screen flicks on to show Captain America and the Winter Soldier fighting near a highway bridge. Damn the Winter Soldier has some impressive knife fighting skills.

  
“What he’s trying to say,” a female HYDRA soldier with hard eyes says, “Is that both were sent to fight each other. SHIELD sent Captain America. HYDRA sent the Winter Soldier. It was supposed to be a bloody duel to the death, the first public victory for HYDRA in nearly 70 years. But… the results of the actual fight were not what we hoped for.”

  
Captain America and the Winter Soldier grapple with each other on the computer screen, their impressive strength matched equally by the other.

  
“You’re telling me Captain America won?” Red Skull says furiously, “I gave you _clear instructions_ on how to train the new fist of HYDRA! The best in brainwashing technology! A loyal servant enhanced by the serum _and he lost_?”

  
“Well, I wouldn’t say he lost, more… um…” the scientist says, “Things took a bit of an unexpected turn, it couldn’t have been predicted! And Captain America and the Winter Soldier… they… well…”

  
“They eloped,” the woman says bluntly.

  
“They what?” Red Skull says, “Who did they elope with?”

  
The woman looks at him like he’s dense. “With… each… other…” she says slowly, like she’s explaining something to an idiot.

  
Red Skull looks from the computer monitor with the Winter Soldier tearing through a metal door with his cybernetic arm and a murderous look in his eyes to the computer monitor where the Winter Soldier misses a punch aimed for Captain America’s head and instead cracks the concrete beneath him.

  
“That’s not even legal!” Red Skull splutters.

  
“Actually, same-sex marriage is legal in over 25 nations now,” the scientist says helpfully.

  
Red Skull silently watches Captain America and the Winter Soldier do their best to kill each other on the monitor.

  
“So they fought each other and then eloped?” Red Skull asks perplexed.

  
“Not immediately,” the woman says exasperated, “We’re not sure of the exact timeline or who seduced who. We do know both were sent to fight each other on a helicarrier, then the Winter Soldier defected from HYDRA and Captain America was rushed to the hospital by SHIELD. It is unclear if the injuries Captain America sustained were a result of the battle, or other activities.”

  
“Other activities?” Red Skull says blankly.

  
“If Captain America had seduced the Winter Soldier, both having the enhanced strength from the serum, it is possible for one or both to sustain massive injuries during sex…” the woman said.

  
“Right! No, enough!” Red Skull says.

  
“And, we did our best to track the Winter Soldier,” the scientist says, “but he remained off our radar for two years until he was captured by the Joint Counter Terrorist Center. It is unclear if the Winter Soldier and Captain America had any contact during those two years, but considering the Winter Soldier broke out of the cell mere hours later with Captain America and the Falcon, it is likely. It would take quite an attachment for Captain America to commit such an act of treason.”

  
“Or maybe the sex was just that good,” the woman mutters to herself.

  
“Then both Captain America and the Winter Soldier disappeared without a trace,” the scientist continues, “until another two years later when they were pardoned by the UN Security Council and married in Wakanda before anyone could stop them.”

  
Another computer screen turns on. There’s a photo of a newspaper. The lead article has a large photo of Captain America and the Winter Soldier wearing wedding bands and tightly embracing while kissing… in front of a man wearing a panther suit? The headline says “Captain America Elopes With Lover; King T’Challa Officiates.”

  
Earth has gotten weird in the time he’s been gone.

  
But he knows without the Winter Soldier he has no chance of taking over Earth. And anyways, who would want to remain married to goody-two-shoes Captain Rogers? There was only one thing to do…

  
_______________

 

  
“Isn’t this, like, an invasion of privacy?” a young man with disheveled hair and thick rimmed glasses ask.

  
“And who are you?” Red Skull says.

  
“He’s our intern,” Rollins says.

  
It must be an unpaid position. That explains why the young man couldn’t afford pants without holes or paint splatters on them.

  
“Here, you take the controls,” Red Skull says, pushing the hand-held remote into the intern's hands. Petty work such as operating a stealth camera is beneath a genius such as himself.

  
“So… you’ve got a plan?” Rollins asks doubtfully.

  
Of course Red Skull has a plan, a _brilliant_ plan.

  
Captain America and the Winter Soldier cannot be outright attacked. Even Red Skull’s magnificent strength would not be enough to fight ALL the superheroes. According to Rollins, Captain America and the Winter Soldier live in the same fortress as the Black Panther, Widow, Scarlet Witch, Eagle AND what’s-his-name. The red robot that looks like a person.

  
So there’s only one thing to do… infiltrate the fortress with an undetectable camera. Thanos gave Red Skull many wondrous devices for his promise to conquer Earth, including a camera shaped like the Creeping Xenupi, an insect from the plant Ori-Pl.

  
“No doubt there is trouble in paradise,” Red Skull says, “Do you really think Captain America and a soldier of HYDRA could be anything but enemies? The marriage is a mistake, all I have to do is prove it to my wayward servant and he will come running home.” And to do that, HYDRA needs to find out the unholy union’s weak spots by observing them.

  
“Well… except wow, Captain America, talk about hot like burning. You’d be crazy to leave that,” the intern says.

  
Red Skull frowns in confusion and leans closer to the screen. No one appears to be on fire or burning up. The camera feed just shows a rather ordinary looking living room.

  
All in all, it reminds Johann with a pang of nostalgia of his own living room before he became Red Skull and decided a fortified HYDRA bunker was more his style. He can see a floor radio between two tall windows looking out over the Wakandan jungle. An Art Deco grandfather clock with a rectangular clock face by the secretary desk. A chest-high bookshelf with a gramophone by a stack of National Geographic magazines with aged peeling spines.

  
The camera creeps forward, the camera swaying with the motion of the moving mechanical replica of the Xenupi insect.

  
There is a man sitting on a couch, no doubt the Winter Soldier. Red Skull recognizes the hair from the computer footage. The Winter Soldier is wearing sweats too big for him, his hair is messy and slightly greasy.

  
Actually, now that Red Skull thinks about it, the Soldier’s face looks familiar too. Wait… that annoying sniper. Roger’s friend. Well, _that_ explained some things. No doubt Rogers married him out of pity, a way to convince his friend to leave HYDRA.

  
Absolutely perfect. The Winter Soldier is eating on the sofa, getting crumbs both on himself and the sofa. There’s a disassembled semi-automatic on the coffee table, parts strewn everywhere and a jar of gun grease without a lid. He’s currently working on a crossword puzzle. Red Skull can see an uncapped pen on the sofa that’s left ink marks on the fabric.

  
Red Skull thinks of his own father, a military man like Captain Rogers. Johann remembers his father had always insisted on tidiness and discipline to an oppressive degree. And here the Winter Soldier is making a mess, looking sloppy and wasting his time on trivial things. No doubt Rogers will be apocalyptic when he sees this. And when Rogers starts to lecture him? Well, Johann can tell you from firsthand experience how _annoying_ those type of lectures become. And he doubts the Winter Soldier has much patience for self-righteous pricks.

  
A few minutes later, Red Skull can see Captain America begin to walk into the living room. _Perfect_ …

  
“Hey,” Captain America says warmly, “Whatcha doin’?” Captain America flops down onto the sofa next to the disheveled, messy, undisciplined Winter Soldier and starts to _cuddle up next_ _to_ _him_.

  
“Nothin’,” the Winter Soldier says with a warm smile and puts his arms around Captain America, burying his nose against Captain America’s neck. Captain America turns his head then kisses the Winter Soldier on the mouth, and the Winter Soldier makes a happy humming sound.

  
Captain America leans his head against the Winter Soldier’s chest, right over his heart, and settles in. He picks up a dorito from the Winter Soldier’s plate and bites into it with a crunch, adding more crumbs to the mess. Fine, so they’re both slobs.

  
The Winter Soldier kisses Captain America on the crown of his head. And the two of them just lie there, not doing much, just snuggling together and working on the crossword puzzle. Apparently they are both disgustingly domestic. Red Skull is disappointed both would choose _this_ over the battlefield.

  
_______________

 

  
Red Skull watches Captain America and the Winter Soldier cook dinner together. Captain America kneads a lump of homemade dough while the Winter Soldier peels potatoes with a combat knife. Red Skull has been watching them for some hours.

  
The thing is, he cannot figure out why Captain America should have decided to marry the Winter Soldier. As much as he loathes to admit it, Captain America is a man of considerable social stature. Captain America has fans, powerful allies, monuments built in his name…

  
Captain America should have _no problem_ attracting women. They should be flocking to him. He should have the most beautiful woman in the world as his wife, and so Red Skull tries to puzzle out why the Winter Soldier of all people.

  
He watches the Winter Soldier start to cut the potatoes into wedges. When Captain America looks over, the Soldier waggles his eyebrows and starts to do some fancy knife work.

  
The Soldier flips his knife in the air and catches it in a graceful arc and whack! Splits a potato in two. He spins the flat side of the knife and the handle on the back of his hand. Once he makes sure Captain America’s full attention is on him, he gathers several potatoes and gets another knife so he has two. He twirls both of the knives, then thwack! A couple more potatoes feel the bite of the blade. The Soldier grins at Captain America in delight.

  
Captain America grins back and swoops over to tug the Winter Soldier over by his hips so the two of them are chest-to-chest. The Winter Soldier lets the knives fall to the counter to a clatter and loops his arms loosely around Captain America’s waist. They grin at each, faces so close together they look like they are about to kiss, just bumping their noses together. When they separate, there are two flour handprints on the Winter Soldier’s hips.

  
Red Skull wonders if it was some sort of political match. The Winter Soldier would have valuable information on HYDRA operations, perhaps it was a way to secure an enemy combatant as an ally?

  
The Winter Soldier finishes seasoning the potato wedges. As he bends to put them in the oven, Red Skull sees there’s now a flour handprint on the Soldier’s ass.

  
Red Skull watches Captain America roll the dough into the shape of a pizza crust, and the Soldier helps him put toppings on the pizza, the two of them laughing. It’s a mess of tomato sauce, pepperoni, olives and god knows what else. At one point the Soldier plucks a small amount of shredded cheese from the bag and Captain America playfully opens his mouth as the Soldier feeds him the mozzarella.

  
Perhaps King T’Challa arranged the marriage? A way to collect both of history’s greatest soldiers and force them into a permanent partnership.

  
Red Skull watches them through dinner. It’s a disgrace. They spend as much time talking as eating, leaning towards each other and staring in each other’s eyes. The Winter Soldier keeps licking his lips and slowly hand-feeding Captain America, who takes his sweet precious time eating each food morsel put into his mouth, closing his lips around the Winter Soldier’s fingers.

  
After dinner, the radio sings “ _Stars fading but I linger on dear, Still craving your kiss, I'm longing to linger till dawn dear, Just saying this_ ,” while the two soldiers slow dance in the living room. The only light is from the fireplace, a warm light that flickers across the room, and the Winter Soldier and Captain America dance so close together that it’s a wonder they manage not to step on each other’s toes. Captain America slowly strokes the Winter Soldier’s hair and cheek from time-to-time as they dance, and they speak to each other in whispers too soft for Red Skull to hear.

  
Yes, Red Skull thinks, it was probably a forced political marriage.

  
_______________

 

  
What Red Skull has truly been waiting for is an argument. That’s all he needs, some indication of where stress points are in this marriage. After all, with that information it will be easy enough to arrange the right kind of external pressures to ratchet up the tension, create some fractures.

  
He gets what he’s waiting for just two days later.

  
Captain America storms into the living room in view of the hidden camera. The Winter Soldier is not far behind, voice raised in anger.

  
“—this isn’t your fight!” the Winter Soldier shouts.

  
“The team will be ready in ten minutes,” Captain America says, “Look, Bucky, I’ve got to do this. Everett Ross helped clear your name at the trial, I owe him. AND I’m the reason Zemo wants revenge.”

  
“No!” the Winter Soldier says, “Ultron is! He’s the one responsible for Sokovia. You honestly can’t tell me you feel like it’s your fault you couldn’t save all of _Ultron's_ victims. That’s not on you, without you there—”

  
“Zemo blames me and the Avengers,” Captain America says in a stubborn voice, “And now that he’s escaped the Berlin cell, he’ll take his anger out on anyone he can. Natasha and I go in and rescue Ross, T’Challa and Wanda recapture Zemo.”

  
“I should at least—” the Winter Soldier says.

  
“No, he knows too much about your programming,” Captain America says, “Even with the codes gone, he might have some other information he can use against you. And Bucky, I can’t, please…”

  
“Promise me,” the Winter Soldier says savagely, “You’ll stay safe. Without me there to watch your back, _promise me_ Steve…”

  
“Yes I promise, I’ll be safe, I’ll come home to you… I’ll…” and then the two of them are kissing. Captain America’s hands gently bracket the Winter Soldier’s face, and the Winter Soldier has his hands on Captain America’s shoulders, pulling him closer as they kiss.

  
When they gently disengage, the Winter Soldier says, “Not everything is your fault, Steve. You need to stop blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong. I know you still blame yourself for what happened to me, but that’s not true. _You saved me_. You…” and he bows his forehead to rest against Steve’s and the two just quietly breathe each other in.

  
This was _infuriating_. This wasn’t the kind of argument Red Skull needed at all. Where were the petty squabbles, the put downs, the physical fights?

  
Back to square one.

  
_______________

 

  
Captain America’s mission takes 37 hours. Thirty-seven _boring_ hours of just watching the Winter Soldier pace and sulk and demand updates from the team.

  
But no matter, because Red Skull just had the most brilliant idea. He can’t believe he didn’t think of it before. Captain America and the Winter Soldier may not be prone to arguments, but Red Skull knows what else they wouldn’t be prone to. The… ehem… physical intimacy between husband and wife. After all, this is _Captain America_.

  
Red Skull permits that perhaps they… well, soldiers are known to give each other a helping hand, so to speak… anyways, it wouldn’t be the same as with a woman, right? And while Captain America might be crazy enough to remain faithful in a strange marriage such as this, the Winter Soldier would be a different matter. No doubt the Soldier has a woman on the side, or is chafing under failed marital intimacy expectations or something.

  
Red Skull is gloating over his own epiphany when Captain America returns home. There’s no “Honey, I’m home” or any sort of rational greeting, Captain America just slams open the front door.

  
“Steve!” the Winter Soldier says, jumping up from the couch, “You’re alright? You’re back—”

  
“Yeah, the mission went great, Bucky,” Captain America says in a rush, “The mission went… no injuries like I promised.”

  
The two of them silently watch each other a moment, drinking up the sight of each other.

  
“I’ve missed you so much…” Captain America says. The Winter Soldier makes a soft sound, a mixture of relief and happiness.

  
Captain America kicks the front door shut and pushes the Winter Soldier up against the wall, desperately kissing him. The Winter Soldier hooks one leg around Captain America and they both moan, hands roaming over each other. After a few minutes, the Winter Soldier moves down to kiss and suck at Captain America’s neck, and Captain America’s face goes red as he shoves one of his hands down the front of the Winter Soldier’s pants.

  
“I love you,” the Winter Soldier pants, “I love you _so much_ … Steve...”

  
This isn’t how this is supposed to go _at all_.

  
Before long there’s a trail of clothes to the bedroom. The camera is still in the living room watching the now empty room. Red Skull stares blankly at the screen in shock.

  
“Oh! Yes!” Captain America shouts from the bedroom, “Yes, Bucky, hmm...harder!!”

  
“Maybe we should move the camera to the bedroom…” the female HYDRA soldier says breathlessly, reaching for the controls and eyes fixed on the screen.

  
“Ohhh!” Captain America moans.

  
“Turn it off! Turn it off!” Red Skull says.

  
_______________

 

  
Later that day, Red Skull is forced to give up the spying completely. Strangely enough, his camera runs into a small insect-sized man while scurrying about in the cavity between walls. Rollins explains to him the insect-sized superhero is called Ant-Man.

  
“Hello?” Ant-Man says to the camera, peering closely at it from his perch on top the ant he’s riding like a horse. Thankfully the camera is built to look like the Xenupi insect and not what it really is, a tool for spying. The mechanical Creeping Xenupi tilts its head as Red Skull tries to position the camera to see around Ant-Man.

  
“Awww, you look just like an itty-bitty green puppy!” Ant-Man says.

  
The Creeping Xenupi does _not_ look like a puppy. It’s green! It has four legs, a tail, two drooping ears, a snout… hmm, maybe it does look like an insect-sized puppy.

  
And then the ant rears up and bites the camera lens. The screen turns to static and displays “signal lost.” Red Skull fumes. What is he to do now?

  
It’s the intern who comes up with the solution. “So, I’ve been reading our files on the Winter Soldier…” the intern says.

  
“Yes, _and_?” Red Skull demands.

  
“So, we already know how to erase at least part of his memory,” the intern says, shuffling through some old files rescued from Sokovia before the Avengers took out the fortress, “The Chair used precise electrical stimulation to induce neural seizures.”

  
“Yes, yes,” Red Skull says impatiently. So what? Captain America already destroyed all of the Winter Soldier Chairs and there wasn’t _time_ to build a new Chair. Besides, how would they even manage to kidnap the Soldier long enough to put him in one?

  
“Well, you can approximate The Chair’s function with bilateral nodes and intense volts of sinusoidal waves,” the intern says, “It’s not as exact, but it should at least wipe the most recent years of memory. All you need to do is erase his memories of independence after HYDRA, and the codes should start working again. And, best of all, all it takes is the right power source and a conduit, entirely portable.”

  
Rollins and Red Skull stare at the intern.

  
“You mean… we could build a weapon… sort of like a taser... but that’s actually a weaker, less precise version of The Chair,” Rollins says slowly. Rollins and Red Skull look at each other.

  
_______________

 

  
“Help me with this!” Red Skull demands.

  
“I sort of… assumed… by portable… it would be smaller and not so heavy,” Rollins grunts as he lugs the power source for the Bilateral-Sinusoid Gun up the stairs behind Red Skull.

  
He’s holding a big, clunky cylinder that houses both the electrical power source and the transformer. On the side of the cylinder are the gun’s acronym, B.S., painted in large yellow letters.

  
A cable runs from the power source to the taser-like device in Red Skull’s hands. The device is designed to shoot two adhesive electrodes that conduct a powerful electrical current to the victim’s head, thus inducing a neural convulsion and memory loss. Because of the amount of electricity used, the victim can only be a super soldier, or otherwise instead of inducing memory loss it just induces death.

  
“Hurry!” Red Skull demands, “The effect from the EMP will only last a few more seconds.”

  
Thanos had helpfully provided Red Skull with an EMP Bomb that releases a burst of plasma and a magnetic field. It’s enough to scramble the Wakandan Fortress’ electronic defenses, opening magnetic locks and silencing alarms and disabling automatic breach containment procedures. This fortress may be well-equipped to deal with Earth weapons, but a weapon from space is a different matter. But the electronic disruption will only last a few minutes, so they have to move fast to the Winter Soldier’s quarters within the fortress.

  
Red Skull and Rollins burst through the last door into the apartment they’ve been spying on.

  
“What the hell?” the Winter Soldier says. He’s standing in the part of the hallway that opens up to the living room. Captain America runs in from the kitchen with a clatter of dropped dishes at the sound of the intruders.

  
“Red Skull,” Captain America says low and menacingly, putting himself between Red Skull and the Winter Soldier, shielding his husband with his body.

  
“Captain,” Red Skull says in greeting, “I have come to reclaim my soldier. Now, if you don’t mind… prepare to feel the awesome power of the B.S. gun…”

  
Rollins grimaces.

  
“Perhaps you should consider a different name for—” Rollins begins.

  
“Silence!” Red Skull commands. He powers up the gun, trying to figure out how to best find a way to shoot the Winter Soldier with Captain America blocking the way. One of the panes in the windows in the living room shatters as the winged superhero Eagle flies in through the window.

  
“So you have called for help?” Red Skull sneers, “Not even Eagle can save you now!”

  
“Uh… you know I’m Falcon, right?” Eagle says, his mechanical wings adjusting from flight mode to the shape of a shield, “Because I have a jetpack _literally_ named EXO-7 Falcon.”

  
The fortress’ defenses come back online. There is a warning klaxon and a voice over the PA system announces, “Sir, there are two intruders in the Rogers quarters.” A wall caves in with a blast and a flash of light, and a red and gold metal man flies into the room.

  
“Hold it right there! You want to get to them, you have to go through me,” the flying metal man says.

  
“Who are you?” the Red Skull asks. The flying thing removes it’s red and gold helmet. Beneath it is a man with dark hair and a goatee. There’s something familiar about him…

  
“Tony!” Captain America says. Nope, not a familiar name.

  
“Look, Jack Skellington—” Tony says to Johann.

  
“Red Skull!” Johann corrects.

  
“Really? Never would have guessed, what with that stellar complexion you have. See these two bozos?” Tony says pointing at Captain America and Eagle, “They’re Avengers.”

  
So _these_ are the Avengers. Figures. _Of course_ Captain America was part of the group that took out the Sokovia Fortress.

  
“The Avengers are like a family,” Tony says heartfelt, “And Steve is like a brother to me. You know, that really annoying older brother…”

  
“Uh… you sure this is the right speech?” Eagle says with crossed arms.

  
“...who sometimes does really stupid things,” Tony says, “And, yes, he and I have had our differences. Should he have listened to me? Yes! Did he choose a rogue before a bro? Absolutely!...”

  
“Stark!” Captain America says disapprovingly.

  
And it clicks into place, _Stark_. Take away the goatee and the flying suit, and yes, Johann can see the resemblance to Howard Stark. Actually, add the flying suit back into the equation, Howard would have totally worn a flying robot suit like a fashion statement if he could have.

  
“But if there’s one thing about family I learned,” Tony continues, “It’s that no one is allowed to hurt my stupid metaphorical brother but me.” Captain America looks like he can’t decide if he’s touched by Tony’s words or not.

  
“So peacefully surrender yourself before I’m forced to bring out the big guns,” Stark says.

  
“You know, you’re a lot like you’re father,” Red Skull muses. Howard too had a tendency to stick his nose in business he shouldn’t.

  
Stark abruptly stops talking. He hits Red Skull with a repulsor blast.

  
_______________

 

  
Red Skull blinks awake. His head is killing him. He’s in his spaceship gifted from Thanos and Rollins is standing over him. How did he get here?

  
“You just had to go after the Avengers,” Rollins says, “You couldn’t just make a plan for quietly infiltrating some world governments like Zola had. Oh no, you’ve got to go after the team of literally superpowered superheroes.”

  
“What happened?” Red Skulls asks.

  
“Thankfully Frank had an _actual plan_ and drove your spaceship over to the fight,” Rollins says, “Surrounded by Captain America, the Winter Soldier, Falcon and Iron Man I made the executive decision to get the hell out of there. I jumped out the window Falcon had smashed and hitched a ride on the spaceship. I dragged your unconscious body with me… you’re welcome.”

  
“Who’s Frank,” Red Skull says bewildered.

  
“ _Your intern_ ,” Rollins grits out.

  
Well, the was only one thing to do then.

  
“We need resources if we are to defeat them,” Red Skull says, “Retrieving the Winter Soldier has proved more difficult than I thought.”

  
“Not again,” Rollins says, “Not gonna happen.”

  
“If we return to Thanos—” Red Skull says.

  
“So we retreat?” Rollins.

  
“It’s not a retreat! It’s… a strategic regroup,” Red Skull says, “And if we explain to Thanos our difficulties perhaps _he_ will lend us an army.”

  
“Uh huh,” Rollins says unconvinced.

  
“We must leave at once! It will take some time to return to Thano’s mighty throne, it is on a planet far from here,” Red Skull says.

  
“When you say far…” Rollins says.

  
“It will take us three years,” Red Skull says.

  
“ _Three years_ ,” Rollins says.

  
“Well, what did you expect? It’s a spaceship not the Tesseract,” Red Skull says.

  
_______________

  
**Three Years Later**

  
“At last, we have arrived!” Red Skull announces, stepping off the spaceship onto Thanos’ planet. He takes a moment to breathe in the air tinged with sulphur and to look at the beautiful blood red sky.

  
He has fond memories of this planet. The prisoners he got to torture, the loyalty training and brain programming, hanging out with Thanos’ mad scientists at the local spaceship refuelling hub. Fun times. Red Skull turns to the nearest inhabitant, a strange-looking alien who sort of… kind of… resembles a tree with a face.

  
“Take me to Thanos!” Red Skull demands of the alien.

  
“I am Groot,” the alien says. Fine, fine, so maybe introductions were in order.

  
“And I am Red Skull!” Red Skull announces loudly, “Now, take me to Thanos!”

  
“I am Groot,” the alien says again. The alien’s black eyes blink.

  
“Yes, we already—” Red Skull says.

  
“I am Groot,” the alien repeats.

  
“I know!” Red Skull shouts.

  
“Hey numbskull,” a voice says out of thin air.

  
“Red Skull!” Johann corrects, looking around for whoever spoke but he doesn't see anyone. Now that he looks around he realizes the planet looks a little different from the last time he was here. The guard towers are on the edge of crumbling and there are black scorch marks on the walls and ground.

  
“Down here,” the voice says and someone kicks his leg. Red Skull looks down to see a raccoon. Interesting. Rollins finally exits the spaceship and immediately screws up his nose at the smell.

  
“Hello small insignificant creature,” Red Skull says. The raccoon scowls at him.

  
“Are you talking to the tree or the racoon?” Rollins whispers at Red Skull, “Actually, wait, why are you talking to…”

  
“That’s all he says, idiot,” the raccoon says, “You actually need something or are just wasting space?”

  
“I need to see Thanos!” Red Skull says, “I have welcomed news of a proposed invasion of Earth.”

  
“Oh, you’re one of Thanos’ buddies,” the raccoon says, powering up his gun, “Thanos got deposed. Too bad, so sad, that’s what happen when you try to take over the galaxy. You get vaporized by The Guardians of the Galaxy.”

  
“The what?” Red Skull says.

  
“Uh, woah, we helped too,” Eagle says. WHAT? Red Skull looks up to see Eagle, a blonde man in a red cape carrying a large silver hammer, Captain America and the Winter Soldier come into view.

  
“And friends,” the raccoon amends.

  
“That’s—” Captain America says with a shout, pointing right at Red Skull.

  
“Uh oh,” Rollins says right as a stun gun fires twice. It hits both Rollins and Red Skull and they slump to the ground. A green woman saunters over, a stun gun in each hand and smirks at them.

  
“Meet the Guardians of the Galaxy,” she says as she handcuffs them both. Red Skull looks around wildly as Captain America and his friends come over to help her.

  
“How did…” Red Skull splutters at Captain America and the Winter Soldier, “How did you even _get_ here?” He left them behind on Earth! Three years ago!

  
The blonde man with the large hammer holds up the Tesseract.

  
“I hate you,” Rollins hisses at Red Skull.

  
“It wasn’t _my_ fault,” Red Skull protests as the green woman drags him up to his feet by his handcuffed arms.

  
“I’m so sorry, Bucky. This wasn’t exactly what I had planned for our anniversary,” Captain America says to the Winter Soldier, “I had reservations at that new restaurant, I had candles for later and roses I wanted to give to you… but then the Guardians needed help tracking down the last of Thanos’ guards and now this…” Captain America nods in the direction of Red Skull.

  
“But I wanted you to know… I love you, Bucky,” Captain America says, “And I’m grateful I get to spend the rest of my life with you. The best day of my life was the day I married you.”

  
“Steve,” the Winter Soldier says very seriously, “As long as I’m with you, it’s the best anniversary I could ever want. Happy anniversary, Steve.” And the Winter Soldier sweeps Captain America up in a kiss.

  
“Is it too much to ask that you get a room?” the raccoon says irritably.

  
“Let me bring both of you back to your home,” the blonde man with the hammer says to Captain America and the Winter Soldier, “So you may enjoy the rest of your celebration of your joining in peace.” And the Tesseract began to glow, taking Steve and Bucky Rogers home.

**Author's Note:**

> Red Skull uses a hidden camera to spy on Steve and Bucky without their consent for the purpose of determining their weaknesses. He accidently sees heavy foreplay, Steve put his hand in Bucky’s pants and can hear them have sex in another room.


End file.
